Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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