His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
cat food counts as protein by the way
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
