Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
