Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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