Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
