The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
