I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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