when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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