Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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