We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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