Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
