puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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