1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
