I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
