My nipple is on Facebook.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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