Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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