I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
