I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
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How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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