I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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