I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
