Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
