is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
