I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
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We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
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My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance