She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.