During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not