a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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