How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Can I color on your dick again?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
