Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
