please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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