just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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