i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
