btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
