I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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