Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
