Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
