the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
