i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
