You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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