Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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