$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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