i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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