we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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