I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
