and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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