I wish I could teleport
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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