His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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