Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
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Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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