that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
