I'm so fucking centered right now
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
