you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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