I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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