you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
