I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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