Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
