genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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