woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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