Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
