I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize